Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Bushcraft? That's So last Year Darling!

This one needs to be read in the voice of Elisabeth Hurley

Well darlings what can I say?  Dear SBW has finally seen a glimpse of the error of his ways and sent a long overdue request for some fashion advice from yours truly. The poor foolish man has committed some terrible fashion faux-pas; the silly boy really does have the fashion sense of a cockney builder. That terrible hat, shocking!

I mean culottes! Really! And after dear Hubert pleaded with him to dress in a more appropriate way, one just never knows whom one may meet on Hackney Marshes.

It’s not as though he is without the improving influence of AIR. Here seen stylishly foraging in a charming linen suit. Quite the artist-afield.

But enough of others failed attempts to sartorialise SBW: I thought if I were to spell out the horrible truth in words even a chubby plumber could understand I simply must start with the basics:

BUSHCRAFT is just SO last year, darling! 
This year it’s all about Tactical!

Fortunately I do have certain contacts in the world of men’s haberdashery, so my first call was to that complete darling Alber[t], the visionary behind that well-known emporium of manly style Albertus Afganus.

Always the hero of the hour he’s currently embarked on a daring fashion rescue in Afghanistan – wonderfully sense of colour those people, but the women’s wear! Dreadful! Just dreadful, the poor dears look like they’re wearing tents! The men! Dont get me started, Kyber Pass AK47's [tsk] I ask you? Not an accessory rail in sight, dont they read `Vogue or Guns and Ammo?

Being a card carrying sweetie Albert dropped everything and rushed to my aid. We asked poor SBW what size he takes and he replied,  “I’m so fat the only thing that still fits me is the sofa”.
Sofa King Tacti-cool

Fortunately he is now in the hands of the professionals and Albert was of course able to size accordingly; kiting SBW out with a technical rain jacket, shirt and pants, all perfectly colour co-ordinated for whatever it is SBW does in that field or by that dreary canal. Now that we've modernised him I must drop a few hints about accessories. This season I suggest accessorising with that perennial classic (the Little Black Dress of Tacticool) an AR15, or if the event is 'dress-to-impress' the Stealth Recon Scout in .308 is this season's 'must have'.

Albert immediately popped an aid parcel in the post, and due to the wonders of a modern international postal service SBW was soon kitted out in the latest trends, and to be fair, looking rather dashing.

Now if only we could only do something about that dreadful hat.........

Cheerio dah-lings